Lyra's Letter #1

Dear Lyra,

You are my precious shining star. There are so many things I want to teach you; so many things you'll need to know. You're going to be a big sister soon. You're so excited. It's "Adrian this; Adrian that. When will he be here?" You're going to be a great sister. You're already an awesome little girl. I read a story today about a mom who lost her three year old to a tragic accident. A dresser fell on the girl and they didn't get there in time because no one heard it fall. I cried so hard and imagined you gone. It broke my heart. I had this tight, searing pain in my chest as I thought of how I'd live without you in my life. It's confounding to visualize. I love you more than anything on this earth. (Sorry Daddy. ^.^) Tomorrow, we're securing your furniture to the walls. If you ever wonder why we do so, this is it. I got scared. I know it's unlikely, but I'll never take a chance when I can easily prevent it from happening. Not with your safety.

God. Looking at you, sleeping it your brand new big girl bed, surrounding my your favorite Disney princess, (Tinkerbell) all I can think is how the time is slipping by too fast. It seems like yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time and you stared at me with your big, solemn blue eyes.There was no fussing from you. You were fascinated by this busy, boisterous, bright beacon that is life. (Mommy loves alliteration.) You watched me, memorizing my features, and reached up to touch my face. It was the happiest moment in my life. You were so tiny; you fit in the crook of my arm so snugly. Now, you bounce through the house and inform me that you are not my baby, you are a big girl. Well, sorry dear, but you'll always be my baby. Forever.

Sadly, I know it'll also feel like just tomorrow when you're sixteen and screaming about how you hate me and I'm ruining your life. I'll still love you. Nothing will ever change that. Just always remember that while I'll always be your best friend, I'll be your mother first; that's what you need from me. Never fret that I love Adrian (or any other subsequent siblings you have) more than you. You are all unique in my heart, and I love each of you more than words.

You are my firstborn; I'll make mistakes. No doubt I'll make new ones with your siblings. I'm sorry if my mistakes ever hurt you or scare you. I never mean for that. I want you to grow up warm, and safe, and loved. I want you to have everything I never did. I want so many things my sweet. But most of all, I want you to be happy. I love you Baby Bean. Always have, always will.

Love,
Mommy